You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
CUTE CAT‼︎
Kermit goes Blue.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.