you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
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My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already