Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

i now pronounce you bounced.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

This is the one

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.