You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
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It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.