You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
You Might Also Like
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Just me and my debit card against the world
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll