You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
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Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
The little toadstool has spoken.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?