you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
what could possibly go wrong?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
That’s it.I’m out.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”