Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”