Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

this is the greatest thing ever

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.