Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

Feel. He’s so soft.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita