Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

What fresh Hell is this?!?

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that