You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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My dream job is getting paid to dream
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
drew a comic about my origin story
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”