You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Morning.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Saturday
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.