You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
happy halloween
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.