You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
2022: I can fix it
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”