You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
“TGIM!” – My liver
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!