Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck