YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.

ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You’re weak.

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The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.



Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.


“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?


“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*


*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.


How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.


Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.


Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”