@thenatewolf

YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.

ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You’re weak.

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@fro_vo

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

@Mom_Overboard

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

@ArfMeasures

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

@donni

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

@Chumpstring

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@SirEviscerate

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

@candyflippin

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.