Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

😁

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

A tragic love story in two pictures.

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️