Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.