Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truly one of the great bangers

Happy Febuary everyone!

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

It’s the weekend y’all

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity