Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

Ummm

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes

-a memoir by my husband and 7yo

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

My background check bounced.

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.