Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

This will never not be funny 😭

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

there’s music for literally every activity

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

go easy on yourself <3

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.