Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

Please vote for people who are attractive

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break