Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!