Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.