You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
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Owl Sanctuary
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework