you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
