you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
