you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
yall want some gasoline milk
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER