Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

it must be school picture day

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing