You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂