You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I love twitter
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.