Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

Wednesday

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.