Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Social distancing in Australia:
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange