You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Planet of the Apps.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Lmao the reply
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK