You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
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Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.