Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

this came to me in a vision

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel