Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.