You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
me adding lol on a serious message
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
He’s cranky this morning
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you