Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

I can’t stop laughing at this

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.