You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

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kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?


is this your card ?


*27 cards later* is this your card ?



When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.


I told my husband I started seeing a therapist and he was so happy and hugged me…I’m not sure he understood that I meant dating.


Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.


Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35


There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.


If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.


This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.


me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand


Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.