kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
is this your card ?
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I told my husband I started seeing a therapist and he was so happy and hugged me…I’m not sure he understood that I meant dating.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.