You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.