You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
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6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
are they though??
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
courtroom exchange of the day
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*