Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

23. the denim jacket

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Its a hippotatomus