You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Lmao
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Support your local cemetery
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
