you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
scrabbled eggs
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Breaking news:
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression