You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.