You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
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‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Split the bill
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]