You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!