Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

Breaking news:

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.