You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*