“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
