“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
spicy snake
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”