You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Couple goals
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
doing some research
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.