YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
