YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?