Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt