Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

…żyje?

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day