Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?