Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*