Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.