Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

early stone age tool

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

Lmao 😁

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

Alexa: *deep breath*

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-