Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*