Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.