Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.