You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too