You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal