You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
