Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Hero horse inspires millions

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.