You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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Autocarrot sucks!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Flock of bats
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Canadian owl: Eh?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.