Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

He took my last fry, your honor

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”