You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
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My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough