You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.