You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.